Process

jesskaps
Aug 6
6 min read

Updated: Aug 7

Monday, August 04, 2025 @ 22:40 MDT - Wednesday, August 06, 2025 @ 12:19 MDT

I have had some of my most powerful, life-altering experiences here in El Paso, Texas. Both negative and positive.

I never could have predicted when I arrived here five years ago that I would find a home in both ballet and tap dance, reigniting not only my free-spirited adolescent within, but pushing me to become a better dancer than I ever thought possible. I sit here in awe consumed with these thoughts of essentially: how is this my life? Ruminating.

How did these resplendent, treasured experiences just fall into my lap at exactly the right time when I needed them most? When I was ready to receive their bounty in full? That I had both the time and energy to devote to these art forms, to this craft. How?

Part of the answer I have come up with is fairly straightforward— I brought them to myself. Me. I sought them out when I was ready and willing. And able. They appeared accessible to me.

They became accessible to me because I was paying attention, and because others made them accessible. Where music and songwriting have felt so inaccessible to me in recent years due to extreme trauma, I had to search elsewhere for an alternate art form in which I could express myself— and I found that in dance.

The energy we put out into the world always always always returns to us— often in unexpected ways. Call it karma, call it God, call it the universe, call it a “Boomerang” (I wrote a song in 2012 pertaining to this) but I have found that when I am in the midst of my lowest moments, the best course of action is to stay true to who I am and continue to emit as much positive energy as I can muster on any given day. Not to be confused with toxic positivity— rather, genuine empathy, as much as I have to offer in the present.

I am not great at gift giving. (Nowadays that is mostly due to financial hardship.) Or knowing what someone needs in a particular moment if they do not tell me directly— aka reading their mind. Over the years, others have done this for me or I have witnessed them giving to people in remarkable ways, ways that are admirable and generous and that I truly wish I could replicate.

We all have our gifts though, and not everyone’s are going to be the same.

What I am good at is finding the good. In everyone. In everything. Even when life feels hard and unfair.

I love showering people with compliments. Genuine compliments.

That outfit is stellar. I love your dress. Those pants are amazing! Your makeup looks fantastic today. You always wear the best earrings. You have such a delightful speaking voice; I love listening to you speak! The way you express yourself is so powerful and a treat to witness.

Etc.

I do this with people I know but also strangers. In line at Dunkin’ [Donuts]. At the airport. On a plane. In a bus. On a train. At the subway (e.g. Metro, Subte, T). In the park. On a hike. In a restaurant. At a bar.

Passersby. Passing by.

I do this not only because I notice the loveliest things about people constantly and feel compelled to share them, how could I possibly keep them to myself, but also because I know what it feels like to receive a genuine compliment. One that is not laced with passive aggressive tones. (I never understood the passive aggressive / negative compliment as a child, nor do I now as an adult: think Mean Girls “I love your skirt! Where did you get it!?”).

Además, la vida es corta. Say what the fuck you want to say. “Make it mean everything.”

I want people to know how awesome they are. Awesome.

In the USA, I feel we have overused this word so it has become slightly devoid of meaning. But say it again, hear it, and break down the meaning: awesome. Awesome. Full of awe. Awe-inspiring. Awe. Wonder. Beauty. Luminosity. Extraordinary.

I know what it feels like to be an outcast, an outsider, a misfit. I still tend to feel this way, the more people by whom I am surrounded. Ultimately, I believe in the good of people. Individuals. Humanity. Still.

The world has tried to show me something else, whether on the news that is generally depressing and anxiety-provoking to watch, or through real concrete difficult and traumatic life experiences and you know what? I do not buy it. I do not subscribe to this skewed version of reality.

We all have good and bad and a whole lot of neutral tendencies within us, and I find that when modeling the good for others, most people will choose the good and even “pay it forward.” People often just need to see it and know that it is out there and that they are not alone before they make the first move.

So go. Compliment that stranger. Tell your friend how hot and fabulous she looks today, and every day. If you are a great gift giver, buy that gift you saw the other day that reminds you of that special person in your life. Volunteer at a shelter or kitchen or botanical garden or park if and when you can. Give money. Give time. Give compliments.

In whatever ways you can and are able to give right now, do it. Spread positive energy, because sometimes we just have to see this exists in the world and reap the benefits to believe it.

And it will come back to you. In unexpected ways. Do not sit around waiting for it. Live your life.

Mostly, this was supposed to be a post about my journey with dance, especially tap dance. This past summer has shown me the most dynamic, creative, bright, energetic, fun, hardworking people; the power of committing fully to your craft; and finding strength and healing through dance.

I remember how nervous I felt to start, and debating whether or not I had made the right decision in partaking in this summer tap intensive. I wanted to rush to the point where everything worked out.

Now I just want to slow the whole thing down. Have a redo. Experience it all over again, start to finish. My heart feels like it is missing something without it.

I learned in school and I teach my clients about the value in “process over product.” This summer tap dance intensive encouraged me to apply this to my own journey. Whether practicing choreography that seemed impossible or working on enhancing my improvisation skills, I needed to become less judgmental (mostly of myself), step back, take a breath, and trust in the process. It is always humbling to apply practices I utilize with clients towards myself and my own life. Practice what I preach.

Now, I find myself applying concepts I learned in tap with the clients I serve. Improvisation techniques. Improvising to music using taps attached with elastic bands to hands or feet in order to work on motor skills, following directives, focus, and self-expression. One of my client’s parents recently informed me she is planning to buy actual tap shoes for my client! To see the joy and focus and way she is expressing herself through tap has been incredibly fun to witness.

Rarely are the things we most want “easy” but they are oh so worth it.

Currently feeling joyous, sad, exhausted, grateful, lost, and found… all at once.

I do not want to let this dream die. As I sit here this Tuesday morning still in awe, with tear-filled eyes, I keep reminding myself that it is not over, not really.

This is only the beginning.

To be continued…

~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~ ~ * ~

Thank you, El Paso Hoofers… you have given me more than you could ever know, and I am changed forever knowing and dancing with each and every one of you. 🫶

To everyone who attended our show and/or helped out in someway to make it possible— mil gracias. To those of you brave enough to participate in our dance improv activities— wow! I find myself replaying those moments in my head the most. Major props, and thank you for enhancing the interactive dance experience for us all.

Thank you, Rebecca— for your encouragement, for believing in me and in each of us Hoofers, and for creating something remarkably beautiful here in El Paso and bringing us all together.

What a memorable summer here in EPTX.

💕👞🎶🌄🌵🌠✨